I have 11 bruises on my legs and one on my left arm, three of them newly acquired tonight. Tender evidence that I still have much more to learn. After an eight year hiatus I’ve started fencing again and I’m slow and sore and older that most of my classmates who average, I’m guessing, about 14 years old. They look at me out of the corner of their eyes and don’t quite know what to think and it makes me laugh. Ironically my son, who recently won the gold medal in a Division 2 Men’s Epee event, told me that I’m afraid to get hit, that if I was intent on getting the touch (= a point) then I would move forward with my attack and maintain my right of way. Instead I beat my opponents blade rather than focusing on the target which allows them to get the touch first, thus the bruises.
I have other ‘bruises’ from my life experiences that aren’t visible, sorrow, losses, frustration, missed opportunities, unfulfilled dreams etc. which also show that I have much more to learn. The difference lately however, is that my perspective has shifted or matured, and it’s finally sinking in that some things just don’t matter. Playing it safe, or worrying about what others think, or focusing on things that are irrelevant in the long run seems like a monumental waste of precious time.
Last year I figured that I was at the half way point of my useful life and that I probably had an equal amount of time (if I’m lucky) left to live as productive a life as I have already lived. Knock on wood or something, but if God grants me another 40+ years what do I want to do with my remaining time? I want to get more bruises. I want to learn from my failures as a beginner. I want to have my heart broken from loving without reservation. I want to seek after everything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy and incorporate them into who I am. I want to try things that seem impossible and move forward in focusing on the target. I want to live!
The idea for this poem came as I contemplated how nobody wants to get their heart broken, but that is exactly what God wants for and from us…
|ˈbrōkən||härt|
Not cracked, shattered or ruined
But pierced by the light of understanding
That a sudden direction change
Has happened,
Catching me by surprise.
I bow my head in submission,
With hands held out expectantly
To receive the courage to carry on
With the most vital part of
this human experience…
Forging my soul
To surpass in excellence
Everything less than divine.
