Exercise Faith in Jesus Christ

This phrase, this experience, is one of the biggest take aways from my time at Harvard. It may be impossible for me to fully express how diminished and belittled I felt from my marriage. Even though it had been three years since then, as I wrestled with the workload of graduate school I came face to face with my own harsh, critical and demeaning self-talk… “Who was I to think that I could attend Harvard? How could I possibly think I could be successful? Surely I would fail miserably. I had already failed at my marriage, how could there ever be hope for any good in my life? Surely I was a failure in every way possible, old compared to my classmates, not as smart as everyone else, out of practice for school and what craziness to think that I could do well? You’re going to fail all your classes and leave in disgrace and embarrass your children.” etc. etc.

On and on the constant narrative went in my mind and heart regardless of what anyone else said or how encouraging others might be.

To add to my angst my youngest son was going through extreme difficulties at school and in life. It was breaking my heart to not be constantly there for him despite traveling back and forth when I could. Was this investment worth it? Was I a failure as a mother as well? Then, when a friend I had loved announced his engagement via text, my heart stopped. And that is when I stopped writing. For a time I went deeply silent.

And yet, by the grace of God I didn’t quit. “Please. Help.” was the only prayer I could articulate, and help was given.

First, a phrase came to my mind that wouldn’t go away. So I wrote it down in purple ink, on a 3 x 5 card and taped it on the wall directly in front of me when I was sitting at my desk… “Exercise Faith in Jesus Christ“.

What did it mean? What was faith? How do you exercise a concept / idea / belief? I didn’t believe in myself but I claimed to believe in Jesus Christ. Was exercising faith in Him different somehow? Ultimately it became the only way I knew how to short circuit the negative flood of thoughts inundating my mind. I knew that I had been guided to apply to Harvard so when critical thoughts and expectations of failure made me want to give up I would pray to ask for help to keep going. I didn’t care if I failed, I just didn’t want to quit. I didn’t believe in myself but I could believe in Jesus Christ. I didn’t believe I was worth helping, but I believed that he had told us “Ask and ye shall receive” so I asked. Every time I felt that those poisonous thoughts threaten to overcome me I would think of the antidote – exercise faith in Jesus Christ – and I would be able to keep working, keep studying, keep trying, keep exercising the tiny little belief that even if I couldn’t do it alone, I could do it with God’s help.

The second help was the blessing of my family and friends. Do I name names? How can I express the gratitude I have for the encouragement and love that Julie and Roger and Laurie and Danielle, and classmates and professors and my children and past and present ward members, my students and friends and all the many people who believed in me gave when I didn’t believe in myself? Memories would suddenly resurface of past conversations or connections and I began to recognize all the myriad tiny little ways the Lord had been helping and supporting and guiding me along the way. Practicing gratitude and expressing it in person and in prayer became another way to exercise my faith in Jesus Christ.

And finally, my callings, formal and informal have been a great help and blessing. Studying and preparing to teach lessons for Sunday school, reaching out to love and support my children through phone calls, visits and emails, going on field trips with classmates, singing in the choir and preparing for holiday musical celebrations, ministering to others, sharing my testimony, giving talks in church, inviting friends over for dinner and all the many other ways I have been able to give and grow and share and serve has blessed and helped nurture and heal my heart and helped me combat the flood of negative self-talk.

Exercising my faith in Jesus Christ has allowed me to do things that seemed nearly impossible at the time but have come about because I tried to pray humbly to ask for His help to study carefully and work diligently.

I know even our weakest efforts at prayer and exercising faith are met with kindness, mercy and grace and I still try to remember and practice exercising faith in Jesus Christ on a daily or even minute by minute basis.

“And if men (and women) come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27