Heartsick, sick with a fever, sick of work, sick in the head, sick as a dog…
So many ways to be mentally and physically not well.
Everyone I know is either getting sick, being sick, getting over being sick, caring for someone who is sick or trying to avoid everyone who is sick so they don’t get sick – good luck to you on that one!
I’m sick and tired of sickness, but how to heal? Take a pill? Get plenty of rest? Starve a cold, feed a fever? Or is it starve a fever, feed a cold? Detoxify? DeStress? Check in or check out? Get in touch with your inner child? Eat more garlic? Blah, blah, blah…
Yes, it stinks to be sick, your brains turn to goo and start running out your nose, you get a major abdominal workout by coughing up a lung and nothing is more motivating than the fantasy of staying in bed all day long.
Since laughter claims to be the best medicine, you can either imagine how awkward using a Neti pot must be, no offense to you believers, or you can laugh, or groan, at some of my favorite silly puns, jokes and other nonsense I find amusing…
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Where do orchids come from?
From a mommy orc and a daddy orc.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
I have no eye deer.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don’t have the time?
If you die tomorrow and never get to eat another plate of nachos then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.
What do you call a secondhand clothing store in India?
Whose Sari Now?
Hedgehogs: why don’t they just share the hedge?
Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?
Irony: the opposite of wrinkly.
I sent ten puns to friends with the hopes that at least one pun would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
“The bees’ knees” is the plural of “the beanie”.
Daylight savings time was invented by a German politician. He was so proud that he changed his name to Adenauer.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “Oh, pun the door!”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why do ambassadors never get sick?
Diplomatic immunity.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge?
A shock absorber.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
A bagel.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can’t keep a good man down.
Why does lightning shock people?
Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the ark hives.
What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Zucchini: a two-piece bathing suit for animals.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
Feeling better? No? Bummer! Ok, well then maybe you should drink some water and get some sleep.
