Lately, news of friends divorcing seems to be ramping up. My brother’s divorce is now complete, a dear cousin’s second husband left her, a friend from years ago was divorced by his wife after she had a stroke. Perhaps I want to be different, perhaps I believe in commitment, perhaps I’m afraid of the unknown, perhaps I’m a martyr, but divorce doesn’t seem like the true answer we’re seeking even if it seems like the best solution at the time.
I say this fully aware of being on the edge of that cliff not once but twice in my own relationship. I went to the ‘helping children through a divorce’ class, worked with my attorney to get a clear picture of our assets and liabilities, explained my decision to friends and loved ones, and then I counseled with God, and that’s when it got interesting. I had already made up my mind, was determined to go through with it this time and I went to the temple to think clearly and receive divine guidance as I proceeded. While I pondered where to live, how to help the kids adjust, etc. I randomly flipped through the scriptures and had an experience that has changed my perspective on my own marriage. The experience was that I couldn’t focus on proceeding with the divorce. I tried multiple times to pull my mind back to planning and preparation, but my thoughts and the scriptures I was turning to spoke of forgiveness and love and honoring our commitments.
But what about him honoring his? We will be judged for our own sins
But what if he doesn’t love me? Love one another as I have loved you
But what about the children? Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thy own understanding
But what about what I want? Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these shall be added to you
But what about how he has treated me? Judge not, that ye be not judged for with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged
But what about…
As I thought and prayed and questioned, my rationale and complaints dissolved and I was left holding the peace and conviction that God had the best interests of myself, my husband and my children at heart. I knew it was my choice to make, but I also knew that God was directing me on a path different from divorce. I felt clearly that if I was to truly be a disciple of Jesus Christ I needed to repent of the hard feelings I have had against my husband and anyone else, and that my repentance was the key to being able to forgive. My choices and actions are what I’m responsible for, not his or anyone else’s, and holding grudges has caused me to be miserable. So I’ve been trying to shuck blaming others for my challenges and difficulties and get to the core of my own hard heart and hard feelings to start repenting.
I can’t claim to apply this to any marriage but my own since I only know the full scoop (and even that is questionable) about my own life and experiences. But in my struggles and what little I know of the struggles of others I feel a deep unease about divorce as a solution. Without some fundamental change in each individual, divorce seems like an escape tunnel into the neighboring jail cell. I know we don’t always get to choose the experiences we have to go through. I know of many people who didn’t want a divorce but weren’t given the option to stay married, and others who knew that divorce was their best and only option. But I also know that since I’ve been letting go of the hard feelings I have, I feel more joy in my life. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am still married, and despite the struggles I’m at peace with that. I believe that no matter what is going on in our lives it’s a good thing to try trusting God.
